Am I Really Destined To Be Alone?

I must. I started the new year out with a bang. HAHA! No, not really. I started the New Year off at work. Wow. I'm so cool. NOT! Im kinda confused on some things. Okay, well, when I was with Bucky, I will admit, I cheated on him. True it was a mistake, but deep down I had a feeling he was too. Im sure he won't admit it, but i gotta trust my heart. Well, when him and I pretty much broke up, I was like "Okay, Im free to go to whatever I want to. Im single, I can sleep with who i want when I want!" Well, that's not all true right now. Since breaking up, I have not slept with ONE person! I wish I new why that was. I guess that it's the 'thrill of be caught;' Im not too sure though. Well, the last person I slept with, we were talking about getting together and start dating. He must not have been too serious about that, because from Christmas on, he pretty much has been ignoring me. Anywho, him and I had texted off and on the past couple of weeks, but it's been nothing more than about a few text messages. Today, while I out spending time with my sis Angel, he calls! It was really weird. I mean just out of the blue like that. I almost want to say that it's all a dream, and I'm just imagining things, but it's true! True, it was only for about 4 minutes and 33 seconds, but it's so great to hear from him! There's only a few people in this world that can bring a smile to my face with just a littlest things! He's one of them, and i have a few friends that can do it, and there is another guy. Im not going to talk about him though, because he's sitting a few feet away from me! For now, Im going to go and get back to work.
Loves!
Nik

Christmas Eve

Well, its that time of the year again. Christmas. Yippie! Not! I swear, every year i seem to be less and less into christmas. I have no idea either! Anywho, last night the fam and i took our yearly christmas eve trip down to the reservation to vist grandma and my aunt. This year tho, i seemed like I wanted to cry. i don't know why life feels like it's doing nothing but a downward spiral. While we were in Lodge Grass (my home town), we ended up driving by the house i grew up in. im not sure what it was, but the house jus didn't look like i remember. oh well...anywho, i better get back to work.
loves!
nikki

Courage...

Yesterday i recieved a text from my bestest guy friend/big brother Tim. He's a sweetheart. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I simply told him 'courage.' this is for more than just one thing. The main reason was to see if i could find the stregnth and courage to get rid of someone who pretty much blocks me out of his life unless he wants sex. I'm getting to the point in my life to where I want to really settle down and maybe start a family. I was supposed to do that with Jon, but he decides to keep me out of his life. I mean HELLO!!! you're supposed to marry me and not even tell me what the hell you're doing!! I mean hell, it's like everything he does now pisses me off. But then again i guess it's pretty bad when your boss even tells you to get rid of him. I know exactly why he said it to. He said it because the job I have as a dispatcher is so high-stressed, I need to be as stress-free in my private life as much as possible, and with jon being gone all the damn time, it's nothing but stress on me. I mean, i'm not guna quit my job, just because a guy stresses me out just as much as as my job does.

My lil sis Sara. Damn i feel sorry for her. she broke it off with her bf of almost 2 or 3 years. Her and I kinda had the same relationship problem. boyfriend calls when he wants to or feels like it, so basically every 3 weeks it seemed. and then never wanting to do anything unless they wanted something. I guess guys will never change.

Christmas. Damn. I hate that holiday. I don't know why, but every year, for me, it seems to get shittier. I get to the point to where i can care less about what i get. I dont even see why it's such a big holiday. now-a-days it's like the kids get spoiled with toys galore and they get played with a few times and the totally forgotted about, and left out in the yard to get ruined or left in the attic or closet to gather dust. I know this is guna sound like super greedy of me, but I honestly think that I would be happy with the money they spent on me. Hell, i'd save it for a rainy day.

Work. A dreded 4-letter word. I think would should be considered a bad word. Especially for where I work. I have a story to tell ya'll! (yay! story time!)

Anywho, back a few months ago when we were hiring for a 5th dispatcher. well, they ended up hiring one of my classmates (i wont mention her name). anywho, back in the day her and i were so-so friends. we'd talk every now and then, but we never like hung out or anything like that. and there were points in high school where her and i just hated eachother. well, she was cool and everything when she got hired on, never really bothered me. well, she'd constantly show up late or never show at all. haha. But last sunday, on the 17th, she did the most dumbest thing EVER! she came to work drunk. Well, the 17th was my day off. Ya know, I was looking forward to sleeping in until at least noon and then getting up and doing laundry and cleaning my room. nopes. at 10:30, my brother willie knocks on my bedroom door and tells me that Brandon is on the phone for me. Of course me and how tired i was forgot that Brandon was one of the officers. well, he tells me that the dispatcher on duty is passed out and no one can wake her up. he said that the bosses told him to have either myself or mom go into work. i told him i'd be there shortly. I showed up and there she was still passed out. I got a sneaking suspision that she might be drunk. I told Brandon to do a PBT (Preliminary Breath Test) on her. He did and she was drunk! (horray for me for being smart!). I ended up staying at work for 10 hours. which doesn't hurt me any, im jus pissed that I had to cancle my day off and had to miss my nail appointment! Man my nail tech is pissed at me for that. Anywho, I should get going, my shift is almost over with.

XOXO

Nikki

The Boyfriend Problem

Well, lately i've been having some problems with my boyfriend/fiancee has been nothing but a pain in my ass lately. I guess i should start at the begining. It all started with him going off to boot camp back in january of 06, well, it more so happened in march when i flew out to chicago with his parents to see him at his graduation. He was so...God...i can't find a word to discribe it...he was so...i guess you could say 'uptight.' I mean he was so...no him. In the begining he was all lovey dovey, then he was like the only thing that mattered to him was sex. Which we did once while we were up there. I don't wanna talk about that. That was just a lil strange. And then he had to stay in chicago for a few more months to do A-School. He came home like late June and basically IGNORED me! I mean, i figured things would go good, because while he was in chicago, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. but that didn't happen. he basically called me selfish, when in reality, it was him who was just being plain ignorant! I couldn't believe how he just ignored me and his parents! it was like the only thing that mattered to him was his friends. I hate people like that. I guess it's because i'm a HUGE family person. I was raised that family came first. the day before he left i honestly thought it was going to end. I was screaming and yelling at him. Of course i haven't had the 'balls' to tell him it's over. I don't know. I guess I feel as if he should do it, because I was the one that wanted us to date so bad, and now i'm the one who wants us to break up so bad. GOD!!!! what's wrong with me?! I don't know. I guess i'll jus have to figure it out. But for now, i should get back to work.
Peace out!
Nikki

A Great Guy We Will Never Forget

For the past week, local law enforcements have been mourning the loss of a brother. Deputy David Briese, Badge Number 342, was taken from us tragically on Friday, November 3, 2006. I was working that day when we here at the office got that phone call. He used to work for us here at Big Horn County Sheriffs Office. Then he moved on to bigger and better things. His death was deffinately untimely. I mean hell, I was thinking about him just two days before this happened. It was the 2nd officer funeral I have been to. I must admit, I was shocked to see so many people turn out. I don't blame them for going though. He was a great guy, someone who is going to be deeply missed by those he worked with.

It was one like those you would see in the movies. Police Officers from all over, hundreds of family and friends, and it was a cold and rainy day. Kinda ironic if you think about it. I'm going to put a little something at the end of this. It's going to be called "The Last Call." This is very bone chilling. I could not believe how sad and sick to my stomach I got when I stood there listening to that. Part of me hated myself for going, but on the other hand, I was glad I went due to the fact that it was somewhat in a way closure for me.

The Last Call
"342 10-38? 342 10-38? 342 10-38? 342 10-7..."

For anyone who does not know what that means, 10-38 is asking if the officer is okay, and 10-7 is meaning death.

This was the worse thing to hear. I'm not sure what else to say but he will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Nikki

things

well, here i am. and i am more lost than what i would ever imagine for being 19. Anywho, Bucky is in the Navy as is posted in other blogs. Well, I love him with all my heart, but i mean i want to leave him due to the fact that he treated me like shit and only wanted me for one thing. I mean, he was supposed to ask my dad for my hand in marriage, that didn't happen. he'd make all these lil promises, and i was to believe them. Silly me, and little did i know that all those lil promises were going to turn out to be lies. At times i feel like kicking myself in the ass for believing everything he said/says. I mean, people have asked me if he treats me like shit why haven't i left him yet, honestly, i don't know. It's like that Chingy song "Pullin' Me Back" Some of the song lyrics are: "Every time I try to leave something keeps pullin me back (me back) tellin me i need you in my life. Everytime I try go something keeps tellin me that (tellin me that) everything will be alright." So yea, I wish i knew what it was that is keeping him in my life. I guess i don't want to make my final decision until I see him one last time and see if he's changed or not. If things don't happen to work out with bucky, I have a wonderful guy waiting in the dark. I made the choice of not going out to Japan. I'd rather get my bills paid and start gettin some better credit. I would LOVE to go out there but i have shit here i need to get taken care of. For now i have to go. I have to get ready to go to a funeral

Close Call

Yesterday, or earlier this evening, was very frightening for me. One of my sisters, Tiffany, almost lost her life today. Herself and a family member/friend/co-worker, Daniel went to Billings to get some pizza dough for their work. They went up in Daniels soft top convertable. They were on their way back to Hardin when Daniel had fell alseep at the wheel. Tiffany at the time was texting or on the phone with someone when she noticed what was going on, she hung up and asked Daniel what the hell he was doing. He woke up they were almost in the median and he jerked the wheel so the car can get back on the highway and the car ended up over correcting, rolling 3-5 times and ejecting both of them through the top of the convertable top. That was a night I would never forget. Tiffany ended up getting help-flighted from the scene and Daniel was transported by ambulance. Being stubborn, but yet at the same time saving Tiffany's life, Daniel would not let the EMTs/Paramedics work on him until they have worked on Tiffany. As of tonight, Tiffany is in ICU and Daniel is in a regular room. I hope Tiffany pulls out of this. With her determination and stubornness, she will walk out of that place in no time! People are saying that in their case it was a good thing that they did not wear their seatbelts, because they would have been crushed. Our other sister Angel and I drove up to Billings that night. We past the accident scene when they had the car on the roll-back wrecker, man, that was freaky, not knowing what their conditions were. But for now, I'm going to go. I'm tired and I'm stressed.

peace out

nikki